My Stream of Consciousness (Sorta) in Honor of My Birthday*

*These are my Morning Pages for today, January 5, 2012.  And I share them with you.  I say "sorta" in the title because they aren't entirely stream of consciousness.  I have gone back and edited them in a few places.  For more information about the practice of Morning Pages click here and here.

Dear Blog,

I know I have neglected you for many reasons some of which I may get into in this blogpost.  Today is my birthday.  When I was much, much younger I hated that my birthday fell on this day.  Right after Christmas, actually the 12^th of day of Christmas.  People tended to forget or would give me a combo Christmas/bday present.  Whether we’re willing to admit it or not, it feels good when we’re remembered, when others think of us.  Someone cares for me.  Someone thinks I make a positive impact on their life.  (Thank you Stephanie for letting me know that I do!)  In the past, and still sometimes even today, good ole sensitive me has taken it personally when someone forgets.  My gremlins and insecurities start showing up.  And it’s probably just that people truly are busy or that remembering birthdays just wasn’t such a big deal to them growing up.  (In fact, last October and November were so crazy busy for me that I didn’t send out birthday cards or even acknowledge certain people on Facebook on their special day.  And I hated not doing it.  The first of each year I write out everyone’s birthdays on my new calendar.  It’s been a New Year’s ritual for me for quite some time.  So I at least saw their names and sent them positive energy out into the world.)

Darn, I didn’t want to go off on a diatribe about my birthday.  The point is that now I kinda like having a first week of January birthday.  While others are feeling the blues after the holidays, I have something to look forward to.  At the beginning of the new year and end of the old year I am reflective.  My birthday makes me really reflective.  And you may know that I’m already a very reflective type so I’m REALLY reflective today.  Not to mention that 2011 was an extremely difficult year for me.  A big kick-in-the-ass kind of year.  I had a few big highs but some even bigger lows.  The last half of the year I found myself in survival mode.  Even though I know that’s gonna happen at different times of my life, I. Just. Don’t. Like. It.  Not one bit.

So that’s one reason for neglecting the blog—survival mode on top of the busy holidays.  Most people love the holidays.  For me they are a lot of work.  I much prefer Easter.  But that’s another story.  So in my reflecting I’ve been thinking about this blog.  And one big thing comes up, the thing we all wrestle with—FEAR!  Fear of what others will think:  Bloggers are just self-absorbed and selfish.  Don’t they have better things to do with their time?  (I used to think these things about bloggers until I started reading some really good blogs.  And I’m so very grateful that they take the time to blog.)  Why isn’t she doing her real work (i.e., stuff for the College)?  And my own insecurities about myself:  Why would anyone be interested in what I have to say? 

And there’s the biggie that I know many, many bloggers wrestle with: how much of myself do I put out there?  What will people think?  Will I piss someone off?  Will I lose my day job if I say what I really think?  Will I be rejected?  What if no one (or very few) actually read what I have to say?  What would that mean?

Meanwhile, I’m aware of how we put everyday people (doctors, firefighters, mental health professionals, clergy, college professors, etc., really anyone who is in a helping profession) up on pedestals.  Not to mention what we do to our cultural and local celebrities.  I’ve also noticed within the creative community that I follow on-line how certain bloggers can be put on pedestals, too.  I know I do it.  I’ve got a few girl crushes.  Add the fact that I live in a small town, the “everybody knows your name” kinda town.  (Yet, there’s A LOT of good things about living in one.)  I really don’t want to do or say anything with this blog that would prevent me from helping others or hurt those I love.  Damn!

But then I feel I have SO. Much. I. Want. To. Say.  I'm not totally for sure why.  Perhaps it’s because I was so shy, quiet, introverted, and insecure for so many years.  So many years of keeping my mouth shut while thoughts swirled around in my head.  Perhaps it’s a curse (or blessing) of being a creative individual.  I have so many interests.  So much I want to put out there.  So much I want to express.

Then there’s the inspiration piece.  So many bloggers have inspired me.  It feels good to inspire others, to be liked.  Even if you’re not a blogger yourself, if you’re on Facebook and you get a lot of “likes” to something you post and it makes you feel good, you may have experienced what I mean.   I know a behaviorist would just call this intermittent reinforcement.  But whatever, I’m not a behaviorist.  I’m not into rats.  The principles of behaviorism can be helpful, but I am more of a humanist for sure!

One more reason I wish to blog or Facebook or tweet.  It’s about connections.  Sometimes I miss the depth and richness of the connections I once had.  Like when I was in college.  And then there’s things like grad school, career, work, marriage, and kids (you know—responsibilities) and you start to lose a part of yourself.  Plus I’ve moved far away from my college friends and don’t get to see them nearly enough. 

One thing I’ve been doing over the last year is making lots of new connections on-line.  And yet, I don’t care what anyone says about on-line anything, It. Just. Isn’t. The Same. as face-to-face, human interaction.  Yes, I know on-line is cool and helpful—you can connect with ppl all over the world and I've learned so much from others.  People may open up more on-line. Etc. But even if I can see your face on the web, I can’t truly feel the emotion.  I can’t experience physical touch or perhaps, even the energy of our connection.

Half my life ago I turned 21.  Remember when you couldn’t wait to turn 21?  A bit serendipitous for me today.

Okay, this blogpost is wearing me out.  I’m taking myself and life too seriously.  Time to go take my beautiful, creative, imperfect self out to play a little on my birthday.  :)

Hope you are making meaningful connections in your part of the world.  And yes, playing together is a great way to do it.  See, I had to add play in there!  And hug those closest to you.

P.S. I'm trying to be brave with this post and not experience what Brene Brown calls a "vulnerability hangover."

P.S.S. How could I forget this big high from last year?

Picture the Holidays -- Days 2 and 3

Theme for Day 2 was Reframing the Season.  Looking at the holiday season in new ways.

My husband put up the tree on Friday night and I decorated it.  I was tired.  I remembered the prompt and thought it'd be cool to take this shot just straight out of my iPhone via Instagram.  I love that the shot is imperfect as well as my living room: items strewn about, tree skirt not on yet, etc.  Imperfect.  Just like life.  Just like the season.

And the ironic thing I'm willing to admit is last year we bought a new, skinnier tree because a) it fit better in this space than our other fatter one and b) it takes less time to decorate.  Every year I end up decorating the tree on my own.  And I don't like that because it feels like a chore.  But this year Miles helped out a little, and then I realized one reason why I end up doing it alone.  I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to a stupid thing like a Christmas tree.  I want all of the ornaments of a certain kind spread out, I want my favorite ones front and center, and I want the angel, star, and heart ones near the top.  Meredith was gone at a football game while I decorated it this year.  I just asked her and she said she would have helped.  Lessons learned.

Theme for today, Day 3, is All You Need is Love.  Can't help thinking of the Beatles whenever I hear that phrase.  Again, I remembered the prompt in the evening.  Otherwise I may have gone looking for hearts outside while it was still daylight.  So instead, I searched my tree for some hearts or the word "love" when I found this glass or crystal heart.  I don't remember if it was gifted to me or if I bought it in a shop somewhere.  All I know is that I love how it glistens.

As I went to upload photos in my camera I found a series of self-portraits by my daughter.  This really filled me with love.

Vews from the Midwest Inner Excavation Retreat

I was gone for about 5 glorious days last week at Liz Lamoreux's Be Present Retreat in the Midwest (Culver IN) based on her book entitled Inner Excavation.  I've followed her blog for quite awhile and secretly harbored the wish to attend.  When I discovered that she was having a retreat within driving distance I just couldn't say no.  I'M SO GLAD I SAID YES!  The retreat was co-led by artist Kelly Barton.  Her shop has been a favorite of mine on Etsy for a very long time.  Heck, I gotta promote Liz's shop as well.  It is so amazing to finally get to meet these two very special people.

I can definitely say that it was one of the BEST experiences of my life.  I'm still processing it all.  For now I will share photos I took on the third day when we went on a photography walk along Lake Muxinkuckee on the campus of Culver Academies.

the lake

this one's my favorite. i may have to enlarge it and frame it as a reminder

a happy mistake

flowers

reminds me of part of my childhood in Utah

Can't ya just smell 'em?

More to come...

When I felt like a princess...

Frustrated. Having trouble with blogger today and with my scanner. Was hoping to get a couple of decents scans to come out but not working very well.  So here's a blurry pic of my husband and I.

Anyway, I definitely remember feeling like a princess on this day.

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May 27, 1995

In a Funk

I've been in a bit of a funk lately.  Have felt a little blah and unmotivated and haven't felt like blogging--at all.  I'm sure there are several possible reasons for this, one of which is that it has been raining a lot off and on and we've even been under a few tornado warnings.  (In fact, one morning I was awoken at 6 a.m. to the sirens going off after I had been up late the night before finishing a novel.) 

Last Saturday, it was actually sunny so I bribed Miles to go for a walk with me despite the chilly temperature and wind outside.  I thought that being out in the sunshine might help with my funk.  Yes, I admit I bribed him with, "we can even go walk up to the gas station and get some candy," because he was enveloped with his computer and cars play at the time.  As we were walking along, holding hands, talking and enjoying our time together, out of the blue Miles said, "Mommy, I love you!"  Oh, my heart swooned.  Note to self: Must do this more often.

Here's what I know about being in a funk:

Sometimes you will be in a funk.
Even if you are a professor or a counselor or even a play therapist.
Even if you are a creative type.
It just means you gotta be extra kind to yourself.
It means you gotta make sure you get enough sleep.
It means you gotta do some of the little things that make you happy.
It means you gotta be patient with yourself.
It means you gotta work extra hard to do the stuff that must be done and forget the rest for awhile.
It means you are imperfect.

It doesn't mean you're crazy.
It doesn't mean you still can't be helpful to others.
It doesn't mean it's gonna last a very long time.

It just means you are normal.

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

How I've missed you.  I feel a bit antsy when I don't have make time to be creative and play.  But I'm not gonna beat up on myself for that.  It's been a bit of a rough week...and that's life.  Allergies, a friend moved away, and a big project (rated proposals for the next APT conference).  I'm getting back on track.  And how nice it was to spend a day with my daughter last weekend!

Today I bought these tulips to bring some cheer into my world.
Hope you have some cheer too. ~smiles~

2 things

Two things happened to me yesterday while teaching that I've never experienced before.

1) As I started my lecture in one of my classes and looked out at the students, one of them had on the exact same light denim jacket as me. That one from Wallyworld cheap one. I am happy to say it was one of my smart, engaged students who was sitting in the front row.

2) As I began to administer a test in my play therapy class, I looked down at the computer next to me and saw that someone was using it to charge his or her cell phone. Then, you guessed it, the phone began to ring. Thankfully, it wasn't too loud and didn't have an annoying ring tone. And thankfully, I have this same type of phone so I knew how to silence it.

By the way, administering a test in a PLAY therapy class is just wrong, don't ya think?

I could be annoyed in each of these situations, but instead I chose to be amused. Thankful again.

So dear reader, I thought you might need a more light-hearted post today. It seems you are more likely to comment when my posts are not so long and deep.

Here's hoping that something amuses you this weekend!

P.S. Go Texas Rangers! If they win tonight, they'll go on to the World Series, an experience they've never had.

Reflections on a Play Therapy Conference

Each year I look forward, maybe even moreso than Christmas, to the Association for Play Therapy's annual conference, the world's largest gathering of play therapists. This time the conference was held in my home state of Kentucky. (Actually, it's a little like Christmas as you'll see in a later post.)

One of those people:
my friend Jennifer whom I
met in grad school

And each year when I return home I am quite emotional. Why? Because once a year I see people who have had such a tremendous influence on me professionally, but even more importantly, personally. I feel so grateful they are a part of my life's story, and I am sad that I don't get to spend time with them more often. I also feel such a sense of community knowing that I am with hundreds of people who value play and the needs of children. Anyone who's ever been on a true retreat experience knows how bittersweet its ending can be. You're on an emotional high of some sort but sad to see the process end.

On my last evening there, I ate dinner with 6 other play therapists. We were male and female, gay and straight, married and single, parents and non-parents, older and younger, academics and non-academics, well-known in the field of play therapy and not so well-known, and we come from a variety of theoretical orientations in our treatment of clients. Some of these beautiful people already knew me and some didn't. At the end of the meal (and I think one could only do this in a gathering of play therapists), one of them asked us to each share one thing we learned about someone at the table and one thing we learned at the conference. I just love stuff like that!

I shared about a supervision workshop I attended wherein one of the activities was to choose a stone to symbolize a relationship we have had with a supervisor and then share in a small group an important quality that supervisor had. Immediately, I thought of a supervisor who gave me the freedom to be ME during I time when I was trying to fit within a box that I thought others expected me to fit in. This freedom and acceptance of the imperfect me allowed me to take risks, and thus grow/change as a play therapist and as a person. And this freedom and acceptance has a calming nature to it such as the blue color of my stone.

A personal struggle throughout my life is my tendency to be shy and introverted. Most of the time this is no longer a problem for me. But I am aware when I am at a large gathering such as this one where there are play therapists who have more experience/publications/presentations/
money/etc. than me, I find I may start to compare myself to these people. Then the shy, little Jodi comes out and I feel less than. So I push through it because I remind myself--how can I compare myself with all these various people when the stories of our lives have taken such different paths? I also remind myself that I AM ENOUGH.  I force myself to sit next to someone more well-known in the field or volunteer a comment or question in a workshop discussion. I don't have to do this, but I've learned that in doing so, I might learn something new from that well-known person or experience him or her in a new way. By commenting, others may learn from me or be appreciative that I asked the question they were afraid to ask.

So there are other reasons I am emotional at the end of the conference and feel wiped out. All that reflecting and pushing through means I need a day or two to rest, play, and decompress as you'll see in my next post.

The Perfect Protest

I'm part of a Perfect Protest this week.  (I'm so looking forward to my copy of Brene Brown's latest book arriving in the mail.)

One of the reasons why I am so attracted to young children is that they play so freely; they are so truly themselves.  Being perfect isn't part of their consciousness...yet.  Unfortunately, they soon learn that the way to measure up, to get the reward, to deserve the praise is to do it right.  To be perfect.  And in the process they lose part of themselves.  If we love them unconditionally, if we encourage their efforts, rather than focus on praising their products, they will learn they don't have to be perfect.  They will learn to love their imperfect selves.

By the way, when I googled the words: quote, play and perfect, all I seemed to get were quotes about sports. But then I found this:

"I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss, the perfect parent, or the perfect outfit.  But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got."  --Carrie in Sex and the City

Reminds me a little of Olivia.

The Puzzle

I spent 3 days this week in beautiful Lake Cumberland State Park with my colleagues at a work retreat.  This was definitely the best retreat we've had in the almost 11 years that I have worked there.  One of the activities was for each person to decorate a puzzle piece to reflect his or her uniqueness as part of the School of Professional Counseling.  I then put the pieces together to make the puzzle you see above.  Can I just say how much I love this?  I love, love, love it.

I learned of this activity at an Association for Play Therapy conference workshop a few years ago with Dr. Joyce Mills.  The puzzle pieces we used were much smaller and the attendees got so into it that their pieces were so covered, covered, covered with collage materials that they couldn't be connected.  Instead Joyce arranged them in a heart.

Both puzzles could be metaphors for one's relationships with colleagues or others in one's life.  Stay within your boundaries and roles.  Don't monopolize or take over.  No one is better than another.  Everyone has something to contribute.  All the pieces are necessary and must work together to create a beautiful tapestry.  And it helps to have someone (such as this guy) to put the pieces together.

I also notice how very different each and every piece is. 

We're not perfect, but therein lies the beauty.

And, in case you were wondering, here is my puzzle piece.  It is so very ME.  That little thing at the top is suppposed to be an origami crane, by the way.

Here's hoping you're part of something beautiful.

My Very First Blogpost EVAH!

Why am I doing this…

Mainly for myself for so many reasons:

To practice the importance of play. It’s what I preach (teach).
To practice writing. I’d love to write a book someday.
To practice photography. I have always loved photos.
To practice creativity. Being creative is what makes us human.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!? Nah, I know this blog will be far from perfect and I am SO okay with that.

More reasons…

To express myself. I’ve got many years of being a shy, quiet kid to make up for.
To connect with others.
To inspire others. ‘Cuz it sure feels good!